Back to the Stone Age: The History of Uggs

Fashion trends, like history and my ancient film professor, tend to repeat themselves. Since the modern world has the long attention span of a 3-year-old with ADD, we have grown tired of the most recent decades. The latest fashion trend has gone way, way back: specifically, to the Stone Age and the Ugg boot.

Contrary to popular belief, the Ugg boot is not a recent invention. It is a truth universally acknowledged by all respectable historians that the first word ever spoken by cavemen was “Ugg.” Thus birthed the name of the most fashionable shoe in modern history.

Back in the Stone Age, Uggs were made by skinning wooly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers, and sewing the pelts together with needles made of the horns of Horsus unicornius. Since we have hunted all of those animals to extinction, we now can only slaughter sheep and metal porcupines.

But how did the Ugg boot return to the modern spotlight? In the early 1960s, an ice fossil was unearthed from the Blue Mountains of Australia (or New Zealand, it’s still a highly contested fact). Within this fossil was proof that sample sales have existed since the dawn of time: encased in the ice, a carefully preserved pair of cavewomen fought over a single boot. But it was not just any boot. It was an Ugg made from the softest rare Smilodon fur, which sparkles in the sunlight like diamonds and incidentally inspired Stephanie Meyer to create Edward and his brood.

Uggs, however, are just the start. This fashion columnist predicts the next fashion trend will be nudity, imitating the style of our very first ancestors.